Fast Five

2011


Director Justin Lin

 This film confused me. Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m not suggesting that we have taken a left-hand turn down David Lynch Avenue. The plot isn’t what baffles. I’m about as far from a car enthusiast as one can get - hey, guess who can’t even drive! - but I have to admit, if you placed a sexy, scantily-clad, extremely willing young lady next to a pimped up sports car with flashing lights and an engine that sounds like Tom Waits clearing his throat, call me crazy, but I think I’d probably choose the woman. The likes of Dominic Toretto and Brian O’Conner, however, would probably have to think long and hard … before taking the keys and driving off into the sunset. That’s right; these guys prefer cars to women. And what confuses me is … they’re supposed to be the manliest of manliness. Huh?

The plot of Justin’s Lin’s Fast Five, the fifth instalment in the high-octane series, revolves around the old gang, as they conduct a daring heist on the most dangerous gangster in all of Rio de Janeiro, whilst also trying to stay one step ahead of their FBI pursuers.

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker return as Toretto and O’Conner respectively. In fact, everyone barring Michelle Rodriguez is back, including various characters from the series’ other sequels, including Tyrese Gibson as the wise-cracking Roman Pearce from 2 Fast 2 Furious and Sun Kang as the heeeee-lariously named Han Seoul-Oh from Tokyo Drift. There’s… oh, whatsherface… you know, the one who bizarrely puts up with her brother and boyfriend’s perverse, vaguely homoerotic obsession with four-wheeled vehicles? Oh well, she’s such an unimportant character that it doesn’t honestly matter. Like all of the women in this film she (okay, it’s Jordana Brewster) is a) hot, b) a good driver, and c) entirely forgettable to the camera. It’s odd in a year that sees Michael Bay shoving his camera up yet another young lady’s skirt, to see a film so packed with sexy babes that barely pays them any attention. Nope, who cares about women when you’ve got cars, right? These dudes are so cool they don’t even have to think about getting laid. They’ve got women literally throwing themselves in front of them. Okay, that may be a slight exaggeration, but considering Toretto manages to seduce one of the FBI agents (a conveniently sexy one), it’s not far off. It’s like if we were given lingering shots of surfboards in Point Break… wait, I’ll try that again. It’s EXACTLY like Point Break. The metaphor is clear for us all to see and I’m not going to be so immature as to… THE CARS ARE PENISES!!! Ahem.

Anyway, the excruciatingly stereotypical gender roles are distracting, as are the constant shots of people caressing car bonnets. However, when people are actually in these cock substitutes instead of fondling them, hurtling through the streets of Rio, Fast Five is the absolute epitome of a guilty pleasure. The climatic car chase, which involves two vehicles towing a huge safe, is one of the standout action set pieces of the year, channelling its inner-Bourne and cranking it all the way up to twelve. Forget about fucking eleven!

The reference to Point Break is apt, as, much like the first in the series way back in 2001, this is a simple heist, cat-and-mouse game, with Dwayne Johnson’s side-splittingly bad-ass cop hot on their trail. Whoever cast The Rock deserves a medal. He swaggers around the screen like some twat off a Pepsi advert, and the prospect of a showdown between Vin and he was seriously mouth-watering, though in a purely heterosexual way I add. He gets a little neutered at the end thanks to the oh so predictable conclusion, but who cares when his disappearance is made up for by thirty minutes of vehicular carnage.

It’s corny, it’s clichéd, it’s old fashioned, it’s dumb, it’s - well, I have been hinting at it long enough - completely homoerotic, but Fast Five is also, shock horror, a lot of fun, which is all it needs to be. I might not fancy cars more than women, but even I can appreciate seeing them riding along at one hundred miles per hour. The cars that is … I think…

*** ¼ / *****

Just kiss and get it over with!